I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu”. So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”.

I’m feeling great because I entered a competition and won a year’s free supply of Marmite…one jar.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

I rang up British Telecom. I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Leyla and Jace were on an african safari when a lion suddenly dragged Jace with his jaws. Jace: “Shoot him! Shoot him!” Wait, wait! Let me change the battery of my camera!”

Lady: Is this my train? Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur. Station Master: No Madam, I am afraid it's too heavy.

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant. It doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Fat patient: Doctor, I want to lose weight fast. Doctor: It is very easy, just keep shaking your head, left and right. Fat patient: All the time? Doctor: No, only when someone offers you food.

Why did the blonde get excited after finishing a puzzle in 5 months? The box said 3-5 years!

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

Why wasn't Jesus born in England? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the London subway. Their hearing isn't good. Dick mutters: "Is this Wembley?" "No", says Norton, "'it's Thursday." Dick answers: "OK then, let's find a pub and have a drink."